Not Guilty

There are many things I am guilty of. But there are just as many things I am NOT guilty of. And yet, I feel guilt.

Is it just one of those aspects of being a mother? Feeling like everything your children do and say is a direct reflection of yourself? While this is all good and fine when they are being perfect angels and getting amazing school reports and winning races at Athletics and being kind to those around them, it’s not so easy during the more difficult moments.

I’m extremely relieved to be well past the screaming baby stage, the toddler tantrum stage, the “I can do it mySELF!” stage, and the testosterone-surge-big-enough-to-power-a-small-city stage. But it’s true, what all those wise mothers told me way back then. There will always be ANOTHER, DIFFERENT stage. So while my kids are past the stage of throwing food and drawing on the walls, guess what? There’s a plethora of OTHER interesting aspects that need to be dealt with.

Thankfully, I’m finding the good outweighs the bad in every circumstance and situation … as it always has done in the past. When I look back, I remember many, MANY more wonderful moments than I do testy and trying moments, like those I alluded to above. Well, ain’t that a relief? ;-)

Yes, there are an infinite number of fantastic things that happen on a daily basis that cause me to well up with pride, love, joy and happiness when it comes to my kids. Sweet comments. Lovely hugs. Kind gestures. Moments of sharing and talking. Quality time.

There are also things that cause me to question my own actions. It’s the guilt thing. Did I do that right? Did I say the right thing just then? Did I answer that (really curly) question correctly? How patient have I been with them today? How many times did I say “I love you”? How many hugs did I give them? How many times did I raise my voice? How often did I lose my cool about something insignificant? Have I made them feel special and unique? Have I been their biggest advocate, their loudest cheerleader, their craziest fan?

Because I really want to be a good mother. I have a great job which I love, and I’m involved in many other things that bring me joy and fulfillment and (sometimes) kudos. But more than anything else, I want my kids to know that I love them, that I’m proud of them, that I’m always there for them.

Tonight I had to go out to music practice before the kids were in bed. Tyler was in the bath when I left. I said goodbye to him, and told him I loved him. He wanted a hug. I was running late, and he was wet and soapy, so I blew him a kiss instead. As I walked down the hallway, I could hear him saying, “But I love Mummy SO much, I want her to put me to bed.” Heart = breaking.

When I got home, I asked Rob if Tyler had been okay after I left. He said he was pretty sad at bedtime, and kept repeating the above phrase. Rob promised Tyler that I would give him a cuddle when I got home. And I did. I embraced his slumbering body and kissed his warm cheek and told him he was special and loved.

I know there are always going to be times where I can’t, for whatever reason, be what I want to be for my kids. I’m human, and I fail. Not only that, there are sometimes circumstances (like tonight) that require me to be elsewhere when I am wanted/needed at home. I try not to dwell on these things too much. Every now and then, during the school day, I think about my boys as I sit here at home doing my work. I wonder what they are doing AT THAT VERY MOMENT. I wonder if they are happy, if they are content, if they are being listened to. I wonder if they are behaving themselves! I wonder if they are feeling sad for any reason. Pretty soon, my heart begins to beat extremely fast, and I have to end my train of thought. Otherwise I would end up down at the school, staking out my boys’ classrooms, just to make sure they are “okay”.

I know I’m what is considered a “protective mother”. I find it hard to let go, to watch my boys grow up and become independent. Although I DID let Ethan walk to school by himself this morning, for the first time ever! And we both survived. ;-)

When little things happen like they did tonight, I admit that I sort of revel in it. Sure, the guilt sets in, and my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest. That’s what inspired this post. But on the other hand, I kind of relish the thought that my children will always need me and want me around. Perhaps that is foolish, because they won’t always feel that way! Soon I will probably become very uncool. I may not get hugs or kisses in front of their friends. I may not get cards and love notes and “special presents” for absolutely no reason.

But let’s cross that bridge if (okay, when) we come to it.

Until then, I can only enjoy the moments we have right NOW. I need to send the guilt packing, and just focus on making the most of today. I’m incredibly blessed to have two beautiful boys, and while they are not perfect, I think that’s okay because neither am I. We’ll work it all out as we go along. Just as we have so far. Nobody said we were supposed to have all the answers at the start of our journey. As long as my boys know they are loved, which I’m pretty sure they do, then all is well in my little world.

And the guilt? It can take a hike!

About these ads

12 thoughts on “Not Guilty

  1. Amen!

    I struggle with guilt, too. But I think the fact that we WANT to do everything to the best of our ability is a sign that we ARE doing everything to the best of our ability.

    You’re a great Mom, Hannah. :)

  2. Ah, yes. The Mommy Guilt. I could go on and on.
    But I won’t.
    Instead, I’ll say this. 1. No parent is perfect. Even of they think they are :-) 2. As a mother of young-ish kids, you have a tremendous amount of influence on who they are right now. 3. Your kids are probably a bazillion more times amazing than they are troubled or troublesome. So, imperfect as you are, you must be doing a pretty amazing job!
    Mothers beat themselves up too much. I echo Angella – you are a great Mom!

  3. no all good!!!! thats the mothering instinct kicking in!!!! same with animals in the wild… they would ‘kill for them’!!!!!…. in your own time you will journey on letting them go/take risks safely… you are doing a great job mama

  4. LOL I remember letting my oldest walk to school by himself – well not really I felt like sherlock holmes cause i was not to far behind him watching and ducking into driveways so he didn’t see me then I did the same thing letting him walk home! Now he is 14 and letting the strings detatch more and more each day and you know what? It is still just as hard, but guess we will always have some apron strings attached FOREVER! won’t we? he he

  5. Are you reading my thoughts and feelings at the moment? I am experiencing the guilt thing big time at the moment. Not because of anything I have done but because of a feeling that I should have done better … how can my kids be so similar, yet so different, why didn’t I see the signs, what should I have done to better prepare them? I am like you a very “protective” Mum – I want to see them do things for themselves but I also want to be right there to ‘catch’ them when they fall/get it wrong … it is too hard sometimes.
    DS is having issues at school, he’s not naughty or anything like that, just a bit behind with his work, comprehension, understanding. I know this is part of being at school and learning but we don’t want this to hold him back at all. So now after talking with his very supportive teacher we have a plan and I have fingers crossed we can assist him to be on an equal footing with the children at his level. But it still doesn’t stop me thinking could I have done something different before now?

  6. It is an inevitable side effect of parenting; that if you are constantly striving for the best, you will always feel some guilt. So it is actually the BEST sign that you are doing great!

  7. Funnily enough I think this is a female thing as well. Although I dont have children sometimes I feel like you do. To long to write a comment about to explain the examples. Lets just say I worry/feel guilt about my family and friends and my interactions with them.

  8. I can so relate Hannah! With my boys so small I am constantly struggling to find a balance in our hectic life. Teething means sleep deprivation and all too often I feel like I’m always grumpy and tired and no fun at all! I feel guilty that my eldest is copping the brunt of my exhaustion. But then I remind myself…this is just another season in life, and it won’t last forever. Like you, I believe that as long as my boys know they are loved, everything else will be okay. You’re a great mum, and Ethan and Tyler are awesome kids!

  9. Ditto! Well said Hannah and I think any mother (good) struggles with all these same feelings. We want to be the best and that is hard so we are constantly questions ourselves which leads to guilt. Balance, as always, that is what it is all about.

    I love when you write introspective posts like this! :)

  10. Hannah my friend, I think that you will find that the majority of Mum’s are shall we say … a little over protective, some of us are more than a little over protective … lol.

    It’s in our make up … I know this Mum tends to over-think things and as a result is definitely over protective. We only want what is best for our kids … no two ways about it.

    Just remember … don’t beat yourself up. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

  11. I am NOT protective. It’s not that I don’t care of course, but I want them to be independent and confident so I encourage them to do things on their own.

    And like all moms, I feel guilty about it :)

Leave a comment ...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s