Things have been difficult for my extended family over the past few months. Something happened that we weren’t expecting; something that completely threw us, and tipped our world upside-down.

At times like these, I try to focus on what’s really important. At times like these, I don’t sweat the small stuff … because I can’t. I simply don’t have the (emotional) energy to care about the minutia of life. Subsequently, I don’t care much about other people’s small stuff. Sounds selfish, I know. But that’s how it is.

Devastating earthquake and tsunami in Samoa? I have MAJOR empathy. My heart breaks and I sob like a baby when I read about lives lost and entire villages destroyed.
Somebody stole your recycling bin for their cat to birth her kittens in? Don’t really give a rip, sorry.

I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve cried buckets of tears, which is nothing compared to the oceans of tears other family members have shed.
I have tried so hard to be strong, but right now I feel like I’ve nothing left to give. I am spent.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, just thinking things over (and over, and over). I don’t understand WHY this has happened to people I love. To amazingly brave people who have always been the strong ones, the ones who help everyone else ALL THE TIME.

Don’t get me wrong, my faith is still strong. I am not questioning God. I know He is in control, I am trusting Him for the future, and I know He cares.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m not SAD or MAD that life has taken this unexpected turn. I am sad. I am mad. I don’t think it’s fair AT ALL. I’ve talked this over (both in my mind, and with others) to the point where I have no more words. Over the past few days, I have just been feeling numb. No words to really describe these emotions, no words to fully explain how deep the sadness goes, or how much it hurts.

And before you ask, no, I’m not depressed. I’ve been there before, and I’m definitely not there now. But somebody I love IS. And that is almost as hard as being there myself. I can say that, because I’ve experienced both.

There will come a time (soon, please!) where things will be different. I know and trust and believe that day WILL come. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but we have no idea how long the tunnel is. And on the really bad days, it feels like we’re living in one of those optical illusions where the tunnel never ends, but the light remains. A small pin-prick of illumination amidst the darkness, seemingly impossible to reach.

To friends who have been there for me, and for my family, I thank you. You are true friends. I appreciate all you have done: listening, encouraging, praying, embracing. Many of you have set aside your own problems in order to be there for us … and I am so grateful.

This journey is far from over. We can only hope and pray for the faith and strength to see it through. And the words of this song, which have comforted me in the past and will no doubt comfort me again in the future, are a huge comfort to me TODAY:

When I can’t feel you
I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear you
I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you
More than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you
Maybe I’m made more
Faithful

“Faithful” ~ Brooke Fraser