Changing me

A few years ago, I would have described myself as a pessimist. I had the unenviable ability to always find the bad in every situation. The glass was always half empty. In fact, the glass was always old, dirty, cracked … and half empty.

There was a good reason my friends & family used to call me “Eeyore” (from Winnie The Pooh). I did like me a bit of doom & gloom. Not to say I was always depressed or sad – no, far from it – but when things went wrong, I was real good at moping.

I don’t remember having a wake-up call, as such. But somehow, I realised that I didn’t really like being that way. I realised that my life would be a lot easier if I tried to turn things around.

Frederick Langbridge once said, “Two men look out through the same bars: One sees the mud, and one the stars.”

And although the old me would have seen the mud – and worried about it permanently staining my clothes – I have to say, I do rather like stars. And I guess I realised that I really wanted to be able to ignore the mud, and focus on those stars.

Looking back, my decision to change could have been the result of surviving postnatal depression, twice. I’ve written (briefly) about my journey here and here.
Those periods in my life were really hard, but I came through the other side a much stronger person (especially the second time around). That new-found strength may have led to the realisation that I could benefit from a few attitude adjustments, too. A lot of things changed in my life because I battled with a mental illness.

Whatever the trigger or reason, I’m glad it happened. It has been a pretty gradual transformation. Slowly but surely, a change has taken place within me.

I don’t think I can call myself an optimist. Heck, I probably won’t ever get to that point. At least I’m heading in the right direction now. The glass is, perhaps, just maybe, half full. Or at the very least, the glass is new, clean, unbreakable … and consists of part air, part liquid substance.

But to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I’d want to be a full-blown optimist. For me, true optimism is a little unrealistic, a little “out there”. I don’t want to live with my head in the clouds – I might miss something. It’s all well and good to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. But what if the light turns out to be an oncoming train? And I’m just standing on the tracks, gazing serenely at the light, oblivious to everyone else yelling at me to MOVE? Yeah, that wouldn’t end well.

So. I’ve been wondering if there is such a thing as a “happy medium”? The place I’m at now, perhaps? Sure, I have to actually MAKE myself look for the good in some situations, when my natural instincts are strongly urging me to do the opposite. Sometimes it’s pretty hard to find that elusive silver lining. And sometimes, darn it, I just don’t want to find it! Sometimes I want to feel sorry for myself, just for a little while.

But maybe that’s okay? Maybe I don’t have to be one or the other. Maybe I can take a bit of both, mix it up, and call it coping? Call it living?

Yes. I think I will do just that. I will continue to do just that. Because it’s working pretty well for me now.

What about you? Are you a pessimist or an optimist? Or like me, somewhere inbetween?