Doing my best
October 15, 2008
This parenting gig can be hard work. Nobody said it would be easy, but there are days when it feels like I’m ill-equipped for the job.
Days like today.
Um, who employed ME to look after THEM? Er, um, I think you must have gotten me mixed up with that other applicant. The one with know-how, and patience, and strength. Yeah, her.
I feel like a failure today. There is no specific incident I can put my finger on. No awful behaviour from either of my offspring (quite the opposite, actually). Nothing horrible happened this morning which involved me screwing up in a major way.
But nevertheless, I feel inadequate. Actually, I feel spent.
Today is one of those days where I spend too much time looking at the other school mums, the ones who look so “together”. The ones with perfect make-up. Perfect clothes. Perfect bodies. Perfectly behaved children with perfect hair, clean shoes and a clean uniform. I look at them and I make ridiculous assumptions about their lives. They have perfect husbands. Perfect houses. Perfect jobs. Their fridge is not half-empty. They don’t have 2 baskets of laundry waiting to be folded. They don’t get desperate and raid the pantry for cooking chocolate at 10:00 in the morning because they have Zero self-control over their emotional eating. Ugh!
Always being one to wallow in a little self-pity from time-to-time, I decided to google “I am a bad parent”. Stellar idea, I know.
Along with a number of weird blog posts entitled “I’m a better parent when I’m high on crack”, and “What makes a mother on meth a bad parent?”, I found the following article:
How can I be a good parent?
There’s not just one right way to raise children. And there’s no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. But here are some guidelines to help your children grow up healthy and happy:
* Show your love. Everyday, tell your children: “I love you. You’re special to me.” Give lots of hugs and kisses.
* Listen when your children talk. Listening to your children tells them that you think they’re important and that you’re interested in what they have to say.
* Make your children feel safe. Comfort them when they’re scared. Show them you’ve taken steps to protect them.
* Provide order in their lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes ahead of time.
* Praise your children. When your children learn something new or behave well, tell them you’re proud of them.
* Criticise the behaviour, not the child. When your child makes a mistake, don’t say, “You were bad.” Instead, explain what the child did wrong. For example, say: “Running into the street without looking isn’t safe.” Then tell the child what to do instead: “First, look both ways for cars.”
* Be consistent. Your rules don’t have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent.
* Spend time with your children. Do things together, such as reading, walking, playing and cleaning the house. What children want most is your attention. Bad behaviour is usually an attempt to get your attention.
Parenting 101, right?
Simple stuff, but part of me feels more despondent than ever after reading that. If I were to grade myself on those steps today? I would give myself an “F” for every. single. one.
Hmm. But maybe, just maybe, that’s more of a reflection of today’s bad attitude and less-than-sunshine-y mood than my true parenting abilities???
Nonetheless, I know I don’t get that stuff right all the time. There’s no denying it. But honestly, I am doing the best I can.
Yes, I have a LOT to learn. Yes, there is plenty of room for improvement.
Starting with getting rid of today’s BAD attitude.
Go on, shoo! Get! Scram!
I LOVE MY KIDS. By gosh, I love my kids!
And I’m doing my best.
Hear that, Hannah? Your BEST.
Entry Filed under: Parenting. .
37 Comments Add your own
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <pre> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed
1.
kelly | October 15, 2008 at 11:01 am
I’m smiling at this. Because you express EXACTLY how I feel some days! Exactly I’m telling you. Especially during the times when I need to focus on something that isn’t the kids.
That list was really useful, because when I looked through it, I saw that while I might not do ALL of those things EVERYday, I do almost all of them over any given period of time. (….and sometimes that might have to be over a looooong period of time if you get my drift!! LOL)
I’ve seen you in action (albeit briefly)…. and there is NO WAY you’d be giving yourself an F. I’d be coming along with my red pen and turning it back to an A or a B. In fact, just pass me the pen now will ya??!
And when I eventually make it to Akld for a visit, well, we’ll just end that lesser grade day on a few rounds of maguaritas or some such, K??!
2.
Christi | October 15, 2008 at 11:01 am
Awwwwwww, you are doing your best! We all are, Hannah. And I seriously don’t see one perfect parent at school. I do however think you have the perfect husband
It’s only talking to other people that you can go ’sheesh, at least I have some of it together’. I don’t think I would rate an F on the above list but can see areas where I could improve and really should make more of an effort to do so. Some days are harder than others. Last week was hard. For about 4 days I hated everyone, EVERYONE! There wasn’t one person that was safe from my wrath. It was so bad that I went to the gym and Hugh said ‘do you want us to be here when you get back’ and my response ‘hell no’ lol. I had enough. We all go through this but honestly I don’t think many open up and share about this and that is sad. Cause the times I feel extremely alone in this parenting gig there is no one to relate to and it surely can’t be healthy keeping it all in. And your boys know you are doing your best! You are the only mom they know and love, nothing or no one could fill your shoes 
3.
Louise Williams | October 15, 2008 at 11:03 am
Oh Hannah, I feel like that 99% of the time! Joshie tests constantly with tantrums, whinging and crying. He knows how to push buttons and manipulate and I’m always wondering what I’m doing wrong but in the end he’s just a bit too smart and it’s just in his nature to test like that. Some kids are easy, some aren’t…
I’m a frump most of the time, I don’t follow fashions and the minute I start to try and take some care of myself I break my foot! Life sucks sometimes but we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over stuff, there’s always someone that’d volunteer to do it for us.
Chin up, you’re a fantastic mother with a gorgeous family and there’s always someone better off than you – but there’s always someone worse off too!
4.
Beverley Warwick | October 15, 2008 at 11:21 am
Totally understand what you’re saying. I’m hoping the hot tips seminar’s I’m booked into next week will help raise my grade a little!
)
5.
ruthnz | October 15, 2008 at 11:25 am
Step away from the chocolate! but hey I can so relate to this (and I’m the perfect mum ……. ha I wish) rest assured we all have day like this, we feel so isolated, so why is it only me, what we’re really looking for just one person to tell us we doing a good job.
AND WE ARE!
6.
Annelie Maddock | October 15, 2008 at 11:42 am
Oh my gosh Hannah, I feel EXACTLY the same way today. Had to go cry for a few minutes after reading the first sentences of your post. Feeling slightly better when reading on, but still miserable.
Thank you for sharing, and letting me know I’m not alone…
xxx
7.
Trace | October 15, 2008 at 12:26 pm
How long till Fiji? It sounds like a break from the day to day routine of life is what is called for, a chance to refresh and revitalise yourself. Don’t you just hate life when you feel so drained and uninspired by it all.
8.
Alison | October 15, 2008 at 12:27 pm
There are many days when I feel like this, and reading this post made me cry a little. Your a great mum and im sure your boys think your the perfect mum, and thats what matters. Gran you to say to me that god never gave us more than what we can handle…I beg to differ cause there are days where I totally can not handle my boys and i ask myself what am i doing wrong, why couldnt i have two typical developing kids. But at the end of each day no matter how long or hard its been i tuck my boys in read them a bed time story each and thell them how much i love them. And remember when you think you had the worst day ever tomrrow can only get better. Big Hugs for you
9.
Tracy le Roy | October 15, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Oooohhhh Hannah, you are having a bad day!! Now, I know I don’t know you very well at all, but I know 100% that you are a good parent. Do you know how I know? Because you care. You worry about not being a good parent, and you even read things about how to be a good parent. And that automatically makes you a good one. Because the most important thing in being a parent is loving your kids and I can so tell that you love yours. We all have our bad days, and believe me, I have mine quite often. I hope this mood passes quickly for you. The list you wrote is quite interesting, I try very hard to do most of those things on the list, but I know there are a couple of areas in which I do fail regularly, and not so long ago, that would have bothered me terribly, but you know what, none of us are perfect and the best that we can do is our best. And so maybe on some days our best is less than what we might like, but that’s life. So long as we kiss and cuddle our kids at the end of the day and tell them we love them before they go to sleep, I am sure they forgive us so much. Kids are so forgiving and resilient, and will overcome much if they know they are loved (which I am sure yours do, despite all your worrying).
Thanks for sharing, it was very brave of you, ‘cos I am sure we all feel like that sometimes, but we usually feel so alone, and we really are not. I hope tomorrow brings a better day for you, Hannah. Oh, and I really admire that you are at least trying to get yourself out of your ‘bad attitude’; when I am feeling like that I usually take great pleasure in just wallowing!!
10.
Kayla | October 15, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Just a quick aha – but would it help you to know that I look at you like the “perfect” mom? I read your blog and think, “I should do that!” or “I wish I had the willpower to START weight watchers instead of standing on the sidelines…”
You know we all do it – we just need to remember that EVERYONE has their struggles some not quite so obvious. As for me I think I like my “imperfect” life. Sounds like you do too!
11.
tw | October 15, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Hannah, sounds like you need a break. We are mothers and not machines, and it is normal to feel the way you are at the moment.
Everyone above has already said much of what I wanted to say to you, so I wont repeat it.
I do want to say that I can 150% relate to the feelings you described here. Have lots and lots of days like this and, in fact, have one child I would like to send back to where he came from today, lol. That’s today though. Tomorrow is another day.
12.
tracey | October 15, 2008 at 1:32 pm
FYI, there is no such thing as a perfect life. Those women you think are so perfect? Are probably just having a good hair day. Or their house is so filthy you’d be scared to go inside. Or, they just had a huge fight with their husband/boss/kid and are crumbling to pieces inside.
We’re all human and humans are NOT perfect.
Give yourself some credit, Hannah. You rock!
13.
juliemaree | October 15, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Ohhh buddy you sound pretty damn normal to me! We all have a good days & bad days – sometimes it may feel that there are more bad than good but believe me when I say that you are doing a great job as a mum. Really you are!! (Giving myslef a wee pep talk here too!) My house sounds like your house, my thoughts about the ‘perfect’ parents at school sound like my ‘perfect’ parents & don’t even start me on the emotional eating!!!
It really sounds like you need to try & day a break & recharge those batteries – heck I took off to the Warehouse last night for 1/2hr just to get away from the house. Maybe you need to take a day just for you sometime soon? Believe me being a mum is damn hard work on its own let alone throwing in work, ‘house’ stuff, being a wife and every other damn thing.
Take a breath my friend – sit back with a cuppa & just focus on the good things for a moment!
14.
Hay | October 15, 2008 at 2:41 pm
What a sweet and honest post. Yes Hannah, you hear that, YOU ARE! Parenting is so darn hard sometimes, and when you give into those thoughts the guilt starts. But we need to give ourselves a break. Look after yourself!
15.
teeni | October 15, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Aww, you are allowed to have a bad day. If you are feeling spent, then it sounds like you need a change in routine or to recharge the batteries as juliemaree said. The good news is that having an “off” day or two is not going to make your kids grow up to be monsters. LOL. I’m sure you are your own worst critic too. Anyway, I hope by the time you read this that you are feeling better and getting some peace and relaxation. Hugs to you!
16.
Angella | October 15, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Exactly! You are doing your BEST! That is all God asked of you.
HUGS to you, my friend. We ALL have those days
17.
Mich | October 15, 2008 at 4:10 pm
SNAP! I definitely have days like this … regularly.
But you get through it, learn from the situation and get on with it.
I have learnt that life is too short to sweat the small stuff (like trying to be perfect), this time could be better spent enjoying life!
So start tomorrow afresh … and enjoy …
18.
mandyb | October 15, 2008 at 4:34 pm
can i tell you that after 14 years of teaching – there is NO SUCH THING as a perfect parent…. just human ones…. ones who never got the instruction manuals and are learning RIGHT ALONGSIDE their children AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!…. and all those mums who have the perfect hair/makeups/clothes… wonder who was spending time with the children while they were prettying themselves up!!!!!!!! mmmmmm as for your grade… you are having an off day….. look forward to tomorrow when you will look back on the day (and our comments) and wonder ‘what was all the fuss about?’ if not… here are some **HUGS***
(ps I am with Kelly on the trip to auckland for a few drinks… count me in!!!!)
19.
Kami | October 15, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Hannah, you are so hard on yourself. I think you are a wonderful mom and you are doing fantatstic from what you put on here. Now, I know, we sometimes save the good stuff for here and keep the other stuff to ourselves but we are all human.
You love your kids. Of that, I have no doubt.
Pat yourself on the back and keep up the great job!
And I bet if we asked Ethan and Tyler they would tell us they have the best mommy in the whole wide world. And they would be right.
20.
topkatnz | October 15, 2008 at 5:09 pm
awww Hannah – bad day huh? hope you feel better just from writing it all down, and the fantastic supportive comments from everyone. Your sentiment was fantastic – you just gotta believe it. I think one of the best ways to do this is to think about your childhood…what do you remember…??not the day to day stuff, not your mums clothes, hair or washing I bet!
21.
Vicky | October 15, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Hannah take it from a Mum with 20 years experince…at the end of the day as long as they are happy, healthy, feed and loved the rest doesnt matter. All you can do is the best for that day and each day is different
Every mother on earth has felt like you do at least once and if there is really a perfect mother out there I’ve never met her.
Its funny that you should do this post today just when I was feeling the same way…got any of that chocolate left? lol….I really love that list and I am sure when you get right down to it you will realise that you have graded yourself far to low…but at least you have acknowledged your feelings rather than holding them inside….we are not perfect…how boring would life be if we were????
hugz Hannah from someone who thinks your wonderful!!!
22.
Mrs Frizz | October 15, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Oh Hannah – I doubt very much my friend if you have ever received an ‘F’ … so there !!!
Okay, I guess from time to time we all have blah days and I’m pretty sure that that that’s what it is … just a blah day … tomorrow is another day my friend.
Chin up and smile … your post will make you smile next week or next month when you read it and you will say to yourself … what on earth was I THINKING!!!!
23.
bronwyn | October 15, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Hannah can so relate to what you posted but you know what – you are doing it right – you care about the fact that you don’t think are and look for better ways just proves it.
Tracy in a comment above sums it up great
Step back give yourself a pat on the back – you are nornal thinking things we all think and good on you for writing it down, sharing and letting us know we are normal too
Good on you
24.
janine | October 15, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Well not a lot I can add to what has already been said. But in my mind, often out perception of what we think people’s lives is like is so different from the reality of the situation. I have never meet a perfect person yet. Despite us all aiming to be perfect it just isn’t real and sustainable long term. I am glad you told those innder demons to go away as you are a great person who is just voicing what so many people are too scared too. Take some “me time out” if you can and recharge your batteries, only if its a hot drink in a cafe while you read a magazine.
25.
Elaine | October 16, 2008 at 4:42 am
In relation to this post I think of parenting as any BIG accomplishment in life, you have to take it one day at a time and understand that you are going to make mistakes and not be perfect all the time.
If there is ANY mother out there who hasn’t had days like this I’d like to meet her and then ask her why she is lying! ; )
At least you are cognisant of your need to be a good parent to your children, which by they way, means you are….
Hope today is a good day Hannah! Smiles and hugs for you!
26.
staciesmadness | October 16, 2008 at 10:04 am
hey. even the best of us have those days
27.
Janet | October 16, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Han I think everyone has said it all!! Wasn’t this the night I rang you and told you about the SO COOL thing that Tyler did?? Even in the bad days there is always something to be grateful for. So Miss Perfectionist!!! I’m sorry I didn’t help your day by being sick! But I am SO proud of you. One day when you’re my age you will look back and think “hey, I did a pretty darn good job!” I know I did!!
Love you heaps MUM xx
28.
Penny | October 16, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Just do the little you can do and leave the rest to God.
{HUGS}
29.
mummymoo | October 16, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Hannah we all have those days, but you know what I reckon if you read that list you do it all and WELL !!!! I am learning we cant be perfect, cause well, that is not possible and I for one spend far to much time worrying about that and do you know what a certain domestic goddess we both know told me, you are the best mummy for your boys cause God gave them to you and he knows what he is doing!!!
Dont be so hard on yourself and please dont compare yourself, easier said than done, but from what I can see you are an AWESOME mummy and more than anything YOU LOVE YOUR BOYS and that counts for more than all the perfect hair and make up in the world cause your boys can look up and go my mummy loves me. and really when all is said and done what else matters ??
Be proud beautiful you are doing a great job, and you are the best mummy for your boys !! Love you xox
30.
Tanya W | October 16, 2008 at 8:21 pm
well my thoughts on the perfect people are what boring lives they must have as if your perfect your got nothing to achieve as you are perfect how boring that would be…..But I hear you in what your saying….but I think I can safely say your an awesome mum, you love your boys they have food in there tummies and they have a roof over there head but most of all they have you who loves them dearly…what 2 lucky boys you have to have such a wonderful mum. Man many days I think I should do this and that and never get round to it and think i can be a better mum but like you I know Im doing the best that I can with the time I have and with what I have.
31.
Dianna | October 17, 2008 at 9:43 am
All I can say is that isn’t great that each day is a new one and isn’t it great that on other days I am sure you have done a heck of alot of the things on the list. I am sure that if you asked your kids how do you know Mummy loves you that the reply would not be as harsh as you think.
Bad days give us a chance to show our children that hey we are human and sometimes even parents stuff up or need space too. Real life gives us those moments to show our children that we all need Christ in our lives on a daily basis and sometimes its harder to connect with him than others.
Blessings Hannah praying Gods peace and love for you today.
32.
mommyknow | October 17, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Hey Hannah,
We all have days like that. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You have wonderful boys … so cute in pictures and so happy too.
I started a weightloss program last week. And many times when I have been going to quit … I have thought of you and what a great job you did! So thanks for that!
Kim xo
33.
Anna | October 19, 2008 at 5:21 pm
You are awesome Hannah!
I needed this today. I have been feeling the same way only I am also failing in the wife department too.
Thanks you, hugs!
34.
lynne1 | October 19, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Hugs hannah…so know those days! Don’t ya just wish others would admit they are/or have bad parenting days so you actually feel normal instead of pretending they are all together every day.
Sending some hugs and hope you had a fab weekend
35.
scrappygirl | October 20, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Sweetie, I have only just really been able to sit down and read this post! OMG it sounds so much like me some days and to me some days no matter what anyone else says i still feel like the worst mother and that no one else ever feels this way! Big hugs and you are the most amazing mother! We all have our bad days you are certianly not alone!
36.
paperpesto | October 21, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Just read your post -you poor love, I’m glad your feeling better now. I have days like this all too often! I’m printing out your internet list and putting it on the fridge, we all need a little reminder of the important parts of our job sometimes. xx Kate
37.
Sharon | October 22, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Nice to know I am not alone
I personally think that there are so many expectations put on parents these days that it is impossible to live up to them. Still I keep wishing I could. And you are clearly a great mother – your boys are a testament to that.